So that whole casual sex thing...

So... I did it.

A friend called me and told me he was in town. This friend just happened to lose his virginity to me about three years ago in a freak accident. lol. We just shrugged and parted ways. He called me and long story short asked if I wanted to do the horizontal mambo with him. Initially, I was going to say no but then the little devil on my left shoulder said, "Why not?"

So he came over and .... *grin* I made him crawl through my window so "he wouldn't wake my roommates" but really it was just to see if he would do it. - he did - And I started to say something and he just grabbed me and stuck his tongue down my throat. *sigh* Don't men know this isn't sexy? Stop being really bad at kissing, mk? It was almost like it didn't matter if I kissed back. So we fell to the bed and ..... fast forward .... we were sitting there staring at the ceiling and I am completely unashamed to say that I just started laughing. Tears falling, gut wrenching laughter.

Casual sex really was meaningless. No emotion, guilt, love, or intense feeling of any kind. It was a big surprise to me. So, .... whatever I guess. It didn't help or hinder me but it was better than some self love for a night. I still think that romantic, love-filled sex is more satisfying but casual sex is A LOT less complicated. Is this what grown-ups do? Or are they just clueless kids with experience?

~Evangaline

What a bastard

"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun." ~Matt Groening

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." ~Matt Groening

Wanna hear something ridiculous? I saw on facebook that my ex's brother (bastard ex not good ex) was having a birthday. I debated for awhile because I broke off all contact with the ex but I decided that leaving a "happy birthday" message on his wall was harmless. HARMLESS? no. Later that night, the brother texts me and asks me what I was getting him for his birthday. I tried to play it cool but he wouldn't give up. Eventually, he just told me we should have sex.

.................

First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, I dated his brother. Really classy guy. Then four days later I find out that my ex (who was blissfully three hours away) was MOVING BACK TO TOWN. He will find me and I can't promise I won't cut his penis off.

Why do these men surround me?!
~Evangaline

Sigh, yeah that worked... not.

Well, um. I guess this weekend wasn't a failure but it wasn't a success either. My girlfriend and I got dressed up and went to the local bar. The first one we went to was nearly empty and the second was not very appealing either. I just called it a night because it wasn't worth it. First, I was surrounded by the kind of thing that caused my disgust in the first place and second, I was miserable. I don't like being miserable so we went back to my house and watched When Harry Met Sally and ate pizza.

Yeah, I hear you- bars aren't the place to meet anything worthwhile. They are filled with yucks and sex fiends. Oh, have I mentioned? Two years + since I have had sex. I get offers but they are always wrong. I have nothing against casual sex. But I do have something against casual sex where they don't want to please each other. Maybe it is twisted but I don't want anybody to be used. I want both parties to have a night of passion where they lose themselves. Not just a zip, grunt, smack on the ass, zip. My nymphomaniac best friend tells me just to do it and I'll feel better. I don't think so.

I really just want to be seen.

~Evangaline

The Game Plan.

"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations”
~ Elliott Larson

"Anger is not bad. Anger can be a very positive thing, the thing that moves us beyond the acceptance of evil.”
~ Joan Chittister


I have given you all a small glimpse into my -admittedly short- love life. Something I am not sure I have gotten across so far is HOW ANGRY I AM about it. Every time I think about how men have handled me I want to break something. (Preferably their precious penis.) I have my issues sure but the way I have been treated is NOT something I deserve. So I am cynical and angry. What a prize, eh? I wouldn't go as far as actually castrating a man .... but I dream of it. Often. My first boyfriend was verging on sexually abusive (we don't talk about him much) and my second major boyfriend was a depressive and was great when he was great but brutal when he wasn't. Then you know about this last heartbreak. I'm sick of them breaking my heart and just walking away.

So I have a plan. *grin*

Ever seen I hate Valentine's Day? No? Ok, quick synopsis: A woman (actress in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) doesn't want a relationship. She has a system where she goes on dates with men to get her romance, sex, fun, testosterone kick. BUT there is a rule. She only goes on five dates. Yes, five. Then it's over - no hard feelings you part ways. Everybody knows there is an expiration date and that makes each date sweeter and there is not commitment or pressure. Well, guess what? I'm going to do this too.

Oh yeah, I am going to go out this weekend and make my first attempt in a long time to get a date but a special kind of date. I will tell them up front how it is going to be and if they are interested I'll be in business. Of course, I may crash and burn. It'll be an adventure, that's for sure. =) Wish me luck.

~Evangaline

What is the Victory of a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?

"Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society.” ~Thomas Szas

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”


You know that moment when the ball of pain in your chest is teetering on the edge. One way- it consumes you, you give up, you cry. The other- you tilt your head back, flip off the world and the pain, and keep moving no matter the price. Which choice did you make? I chose the first for a small amount of time. I knew I wouldn't get the dream that I had dreamed of for years so I quit. -A big mistake that I soon rectified.

But like the great Paul Newman and Tennessee Williams once said, "What is the victory of a Cat on a Hot Tin roof?"

Well, I am going to follow Liz Taylor's example and stay on this Hot Tin Roof as long as I freaking can. I am going to hold my head up and not sleep with a box of tissues. It is brutal but I am going to do it and somehow along the way I am going to piece myself back together. I am a terrible seamstress but maybe I will learn how to keep the stitches straight. With friends, chocolate, bad movies, and possibly- carefully screened dating. I'm sure I'll at least get a laugh out of it.

How? I have no idea. Right now the only goal is to keep breathing. I will be strong and if I crash in a blaze of fiery insanity, no one can say I didn't try.

~Evangaline

The reason I became cynical

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." ~Judy Garland

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If not, they never were." (What an obnoxious quote.)


I haven't had many relationships because well... I'm not sure why. About six months ago, I met someone and fell immediately, irrevocably in love with them. Once we spent thirteen straight hours together and I still didn't want to go home. He was everything I ever wanted AND everything I ever needed. But we went slow because he was still in love with his ex girlfriend. He told me this from the beginning and I tried to play it cool. We had so much fun together. We never had sex- we didn't need to - all we needed was each other to be close. But our kisses were better than all the sex I have ever had in my life. When he held me it negated ever other man I had ever had in my life. But guess what? He didn't love me. He loved her. And when she told him she wanted him again he went running.... towards her- away from me. I was devastated. I still can't even look at another man.

Because I played it cool, he has no idea how much he really hurt me. We are still great friends (I need him in my life some way) and I have become friends with his girlfriend. The second was more out of necessity than want but I lived, I just have a few more scars to show for it. I lied and lied when they first got together because she kept asking if I was in love with him. Each time I said no it was like another knife in my heart. It still hurts and I have to do something. I am either going to start on my path to becoming a crazy old woman surrounded by books and animals or.... I'm going to grit my teeth and start dating. >< I'm not sure which yet.

~Evangaline

Frigid: I hate that word.

"I have one genius dog, and one stupid dog, and the stupid dog gets the most attention because he's loud. That is my metaphor for life." ~ Gail Simone

I'm often called cynical, cold... no- frigid, and that if I were just warmer and more open I wouldn't have these dating problems. I am cynical I can't argue that but the fact that I don't fall at every man's feet begging for a relationship does not make me frigid. If I don't respond immediately to their attention they usually don't bother because I am difficult. News Flash: Everybody is difficult. I am worth more effort than a single pick up line! I hate games and that is all dating is. Flick your hair this way, flex this muscle, say this, do that, only let them know this much, flirt, be cute, be manly.... lie. It is insane how much a person will tangle themselves up just to date. I don't do it. If I like you, I tell you. If I am not interested, I tell you. I hate pretending to be something I'm not. And you want to hear something funny? The truth scares men away from me. Honesty is so foreign to the dating world that it has become a game ender. How sad is that?

It is a natural reaction that once you touch a hot burner you don't do it again. I still want to cook I just don't want to go to the emergency room afterwards. So what if I'm cautious?! Caution is healthy for someone like me but that doesn't mean that I hate men. Well, I do sometimes but not forever. (hehe) I hate being hurt, I hate holding my female friends hands as they cry because they were mistreated..... again. (But don't get me wrong, women suck, too.) I'm sure there are good men out there getting screwed over by terrible women but I don't understand why the good men can't find the good women and get together for a party.

I'm very warm. I am kind even when I have no reason to be. Just because I keep my emotions to myself doesn't mean that I don't have them!
~Evangaline

A goal.

I don't know why I am here but does anyone really know the answer to that question? Not some sweet little candy heart, Hallmark answer but a real, down-in-the-gut answer?- no. I used to think I knew the answer to that question. I would have smiled up at you and cooed about the beauty of love and hope. Sure- in Hollywood maybe where romance is an impressive array of one liners and credit rolling kisses.

Well, they lied to us, sweethearts. It doesn't work like that out here. It is just a mess. There isn't an easy answer- there isn't even a definite question. The only thing worse than a woman, is a man. Although, sometimes a few of us get lucky and that small fraction give the rest of us poor schmucks hope. The odds are against us and what are we going to do about it? Well, I don't know about you but I am going to blog and maybe find an answer.... or come to the same conclusion that I have been thinking for the last year: that I should cut off all communication with humans and live on an island with my cats and books.

Until Next Time, (and let me know if you figure out the answers)
Evangaline