What a bastard

"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun." ~Matt Groening

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." ~Matt Groening

Wanna hear something ridiculous? I saw on facebook that my ex's brother (bastard ex not good ex) was having a birthday. I debated for awhile because I broke off all contact with the ex but I decided that leaving a "happy birthday" message on his wall was harmless. HARMLESS? no. Later that night, the brother texts me and asks me what I was getting him for his birthday. I tried to play it cool but he wouldn't give up. Eventually, he just told me we should have sex.

.................

First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, I dated his brother. Really classy guy. Then four days later I find out that my ex (who was blissfully three hours away) was MOVING BACK TO TOWN. He will find me and I can't promise I won't cut his penis off.

Why do these men surround me?!
~Evangaline

Sigh, yeah that worked... not.

Well, um. I guess this weekend wasn't a failure but it wasn't a success either. My girlfriend and I got dressed up and went to the local bar. The first one we went to was nearly empty and the second was not very appealing either. I just called it a night because it wasn't worth it. First, I was surrounded by the kind of thing that caused my disgust in the first place and second, I was miserable. I don't like being miserable so we went back to my house and watched When Harry Met Sally and ate pizza.

Yeah, I hear you- bars aren't the place to meet anything worthwhile. They are filled with yucks and sex fiends. Oh, have I mentioned? Two years + since I have had sex. I get offers but they are always wrong. I have nothing against casual sex. But I do have something against casual sex where they don't want to please each other. Maybe it is twisted but I don't want anybody to be used. I want both parties to have a night of passion where they lose themselves. Not just a zip, grunt, smack on the ass, zip. My nymphomaniac best friend tells me just to do it and I'll feel better. I don't think so.

I really just want to be seen.

~Evangaline

The Game Plan.

"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations”
~ Elliott Larson

"Anger is not bad. Anger can be a very positive thing, the thing that moves us beyond the acceptance of evil.”
~ Joan Chittister


I have given you all a small glimpse into my -admittedly short- love life. Something I am not sure I have gotten across so far is HOW ANGRY I AM about it. Every time I think about how men have handled me I want to break something. (Preferably their precious penis.) I have my issues sure but the way I have been treated is NOT something I deserve. So I am cynical and angry. What a prize, eh? I wouldn't go as far as actually castrating a man .... but I dream of it. Often. My first boyfriend was verging on sexually abusive (we don't talk about him much) and my second major boyfriend was a depressive and was great when he was great but brutal when he wasn't. Then you know about this last heartbreak. I'm sick of them breaking my heart and just walking away.

So I have a plan. *grin*

Ever seen I hate Valentine's Day? No? Ok, quick synopsis: A woman (actress in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) doesn't want a relationship. She has a system where she goes on dates with men to get her romance, sex, fun, testosterone kick. BUT there is a rule. She only goes on five dates. Yes, five. Then it's over - no hard feelings you part ways. Everybody knows there is an expiration date and that makes each date sweeter and there is not commitment or pressure. Well, guess what? I'm going to do this too.

Oh yeah, I am going to go out this weekend and make my first attempt in a long time to get a date but a special kind of date. I will tell them up front how it is going to be and if they are interested I'll be in business. Of course, I may crash and burn. It'll be an adventure, that's for sure. =) Wish me luck.

~Evangaline