The reason I became cynical

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." ~Judy Garland

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If not, they never were." (What an obnoxious quote.)


I haven't had many relationships because well... I'm not sure why. About six months ago, I met someone and fell immediately, irrevocably in love with them. Once we spent thirteen straight hours together and I still didn't want to go home. He was everything I ever wanted AND everything I ever needed. But we went slow because he was still in love with his ex girlfriend. He told me this from the beginning and I tried to play it cool. We had so much fun together. We never had sex- we didn't need to - all we needed was each other to be close. But our kisses were better than all the sex I have ever had in my life. When he held me it negated ever other man I had ever had in my life. But guess what? He didn't love me. He loved her. And when she told him she wanted him again he went running.... towards her- away from me. I was devastated. I still can't even look at another man.

Because I played it cool, he has no idea how much he really hurt me. We are still great friends (I need him in my life some way) and I have become friends with his girlfriend. The second was more out of necessity than want but I lived, I just have a few more scars to show for it. I lied and lied when they first got together because she kept asking if I was in love with him. Each time I said no it was like another knife in my heart. It still hurts and I have to do something. I am either going to start on my path to becoming a crazy old woman surrounded by books and animals or.... I'm going to grit my teeth and start dating. >< I'm not sure which yet.

~Evangaline

A goal.

I don't know why I am here but does anyone really know the answer to that question? Not some sweet little candy heart, Hallmark answer but a real, down-in-the-gut answer?- no. I used to think I knew the answer to that question. I would have smiled up at you and cooed about the beauty of love and hope. Sure- in Hollywood maybe where romance is an impressive array of one liners and credit rolling kisses.

Well, they lied to us, sweethearts. It doesn't work like that out here. It is just a mess. There isn't an easy answer- there isn't even a definite question. The only thing worse than a woman, is a man. Although, sometimes a few of us get lucky and that small fraction give the rest of us poor schmucks hope. The odds are against us and what are we going to do about it? Well, I don't know about you but I am going to blog and maybe find an answer.... or come to the same conclusion that I have been thinking for the last year: that I should cut off all communication with humans and live on an island with my cats and books.

Until Next Time, (and let me know if you figure out the answers)
Evangaline